5 Questions on :(:

After reading through some of the emails I've received since hinting at a new novel, I felt I needed to answer some of the questions as quickly as possible. I picked 5 since most others are very personal in nature. So here they are:

1. Where do I get the book? - PA, NY, OH, RI, MA, Spain, Ecuador.

My apologies. :(: is a Live Book which means that you are getting the chapters one at a time as they are written on the blog. Very unconventional, but it does force me to stay committed to the writing. My plan is to publish a new chapter every 2 to 3 weeks. As the story develops, the challenge will be greater to produce cohesion and timeline. It's no different than your favorite weekly shows that make you wait one week for the continuation of the story. It also gives readers an opportunity to make comments on the state of affairs on the page. I don't expect many public comments. :(: lends to more private messages with uplifting and heartbreaking accounts of personal experience with depression or anxiety and in some extremely sad cases, suicide.

2. Why the emojis :(:? - PA, VA, NY, OH, RI, MA, TX, NJ, FL, LA, NC, Spain, Ecuador, Canada.

If you're familiar with this ambigram, you'll recall that it went viral in 2015. The tattoo brought awareness to mental health issues particularly depression among teenagers.
Like all my stories, they have roots in real experiences, and this story is as close to home as it gets, even closer than My Two Flags.

 I thought how do I convey a similar message?
I explored several titles but then I felt that an emoji was not only perfect as something to force a second look, but it also made the story relevant.

3. Is this story related to Gaze and Next Chapter? (Everyone)

Long story short, yes.
The story centers around the Amaya sisters, Brooke and Emily.
Just like these other novels, :(: is told from one of the characters'  point of view in present tense. In this case Brooke at 17, a junior in high school.
Emily is a freshman at 14.
Of course their parents Gwen and Tony Amaya are central to the story and presented me the opportunity of bringing in some old friends like Samantha and the incomparable Lewis back to the page.

4. What's with the Korean on the cover? (Everyone)

Yes, the Korean. So, my daughter Amber, who will be 13 in a few days and join the rank of teenagedom, (Help!) is an avid Kpop fan. I can remember the moment she showed me a BTS video. As soon as I watched them, I thought I'd be the typical dad and make fun of her taste in music and pick the band apart from their Gucci clothes to the make up and the dancing, but it only took one song to make me a fan of their work.

The Korean language doesn't always translate well into English. I have some experience with that as some phrases in Spanish make no sense directly translated, but the translated lyrics in songs like Epiphany, Euphoria, I Need You, Magic Shop, Love Yourself are poignant, relevant, empathetic, and beautiful in every sense. Their message is like a prescription for depression, and it's delivered in incredible performances.

Kpop makes Amber quite unique among her peers and she finds such joy in it, especially when she endures a tough day at school. I myself found a type of salvation in music when I was a teen. So I thought, why not make Kpop a trait for Emily? It's her cross to bear as it evokes tremendous criticism from those whose natural instinct is to attack anything that's different than what they consider the norm.

5. So what does it say on the cover? (Everyone)

This is where I get to have a little bit of fun. To date, there has been several guesses as to the identity of the character on the cover of Gaze.
So far it's been a 50/50 that it's Gwen or Samantha and I've never answered that question. The answer is within the pages.
Following that trend, the answer to this question is within the pages.

I think it's safe to assume that we've either known someone, or we ourselves have been that someone dealing with depression, anxiety, adhd, and other issues that were attributed in the old days to just part of being a teenager.

Today, we are more aware of mental health issues affecting us, but if you take a moment to go over statistics, the one demographic most affected is our school age kids.

These are key years to the development of a person, and mental health issues are so incredibly misunderstood and stigmatized by parents, by educators, and by peers. Add the effect of social media platforms, public opinion, the quest for self-validation, and it's a miracle kids become adults with any degree of sanity.

:(: delves into the lives affected by mental health issues, and is written in the hope of bringing awareness, as well as to merely to forge a connection with anyone going through a similar experience whether peripherally or personally.

Thank you for your questions. I sincerely hope I've piqued your interest and follow where the story goes. As for me, time to write.

© 2020 J.A.Robayo

Cool, start reading!

Intro

소개

intro

Emily ignores the sting in her eyes and the pain through her thighs. If anything, she welcomes the physical pain. It's a welcome distraction from other types.

Bright pink strands of hair shake like frayed flags in the wind as she moves to the beat.

Five... Six... Seven... Eight...

The drop builds up in a staccato of snare drums and sharp tones. Her teeth clench, brow furrows in fierce determination to conquer the upcoming movements.

One,  kick right... Two, side step and pop... Three, front kick, slide out.. Four... 

Windmilling arms create the illusion of a mechanical wheel as her torso bends back, where she holds the count for exactly two beats. When the music explodes out of the speakers to a one note finish, she is on her knee, fist raised, eyes up.

The world goes still, the silence broken only by her ragged breathing. Her honey-colored eyes slowly focus on the reality of the scuffed hardwood floor under her feet. A blemish catches her eye, testament to the violence of her dancing. The sight produces a grin on the heart-shaped visage.

On the mirror, sweat glistens on smooth cheeks flushed with effort. Rivulets meander over the creases of toned shoulders and arms. Matted pink strands sweep over one eye, which glints with triumph.

The overall image is pretty or at least that's what she's been told. Her parents have remarked on her good looks for so long, she no longer believes it. Not when she sees for herself what she really looks like.

Small nagging voices at the corners of her mind command her eyes to the many physical flaws only she seems to be aware of. Faint visions of every mistake nip at her confidence, making her heart pound in her temples. Before the tears set in, Emily quickly cues up another song and stares at her reflection with all the defiance she can muster.

As the music fills her mind, chasing away the nagging doubts, she grins as her muscles scream. 

The beat is her world. 

The verse is her elation.

The bridge is her calm.

The music is her everything. 

음악는 나위 구원자

 She allows the Hangul to float in her mind like a mantra as her lips mouth the words.

음악는 나위 구원자

The phrase always proves true.

Continue on Chapter 1

:(:

Growing up, Brooke Amaya often heard people remark on just how different her little sister is.

Different in every way, from clothes to music and everything in between, none of those differences compare to the ones in their lives as teenagers.

At 17, Brooke is familiar with the ebbs and flows of puberty, hormones, and the typical teenage convoluted bundle of feelings notorious for healing and wounding with equal measure. However, she never felt, or witnessed the destructive emotional maelstrom that takes a hold of Emily when she starts high school.

As her parents and teachers struggle to help Emily's worsening attitude, Brooke finds herself as the only one left to battle the dark emotions that are intent on destroying her little sister, those around them, and possibly even herself.



5 Questions about :(:

intro      chapter 1      chapter 2

Epoch Ch. 5 Love

Your world, your life, is simultaneously fueled and governed by an array of emotions though none stronger than love. Love will motivate both sides of your moral compass. In other words, you humans will do anything for love.

For me, a manuscript, love is a thrilling current that flows through and around barriers.

Good and evil aren’t nearly as complex as this one paramount aspect of the human experience. This part of life spawned millions of beautiful pieces of writing from haiku poems and haunting melodies, to epic novels and timeless series. Yes, we are talking about love.

Love.

Understandably, the term brings to mind walks on the beach, sunsets, flowers, wedding rings, and all the romantic tropes you find in every soap opera.

Love is so much more than the inspiration for a kiss however. It's a commitment, a crazy act of impulsiveness that defies logic. Love comes in so many different forms that new songs and new books are still being written about it.

Love is measured in eternities, not merely years. Love is the strength that keeps a Noah waiting for his Ally against all odds. Love is the blind fury of the push behind the blade that finally ends the feud of the Capulets and the Montagues. Love is the sacrifice of thousands of young men breaking through the Nazi defenses in Normandy. All sacrifices are products of a love so whole it transcend living.

Love is the heat behind the mind-blowing scenes of passion coloring a page with images that make hearts race and bodies burn with desire.

Love is the tip of the emotional iceberg where longing, dreaming, hatred, vengeance, valor, fear, ire, and acceptance wrestle for control of your souls.

Think about what you’ve done for love.

Some of you became creative and courageous enough to lay it all out on a love note, a song, a simple asking the object of your affection for that first date.

Some of you found the strength to break the chains of a vice to find a loving embrace of forgiveness from your children.

Some of you conquered your fears and ran into that church to stop a ceremony in order not to lose your soul mate.

Some of you parked on a dark street to stare at a blackened window where that one person that made your heart stutter slept, just to feel close to them.

Love is binary. Like any coin of value, it has two sides. Its dark side is all consuming, heart wrenching, spiritual agony when it's broken, betrayed or unrequited.

Some of you felt a divine touch  of love when you held a little piece of you and the one you love for the first time. In your arms, that little face evoked such profound emotions no one could’ve prepared you for, and you were never to be the same.

What would life be without love?

And furthermore, what would a story be without it?

5 Years Later

I still believe I was possessed when I wrote Gaze  and Next Chapter.

2020 finds me still in awe of the many predictions I left on the pages all those years ago. Okay, prediction may be a bit strong, but there are several parallels with the outcome of those stories and my life today.

In fact, upon revisiting the prologue in My Two Flags, I was dumbfounded to find myself in the scene of the pages. Every object I described on the page years ago materialized around me. From the book on my shelf to the view through my windows. I swear I might have even heard a distinct British chuckle.

I may have left my works in progress in skeletal stages, patiently awaiting my return to the keyboard. My trusty wave keyboard has been on hold for over five years now.

Gone are the fans I once had.

Gone is the author website. Thank goodness for Amazon!

Fewer are the messages I receive with demands for the next book.

To those of you who find yourselves staring at this words, my most sincere apologies for this absence.

In the book front, I got tired of literary agents advising to turn Lewis into a vampire and give Samantha magic powers to sell the story, and frankly I fail to see the point of writing when we are all easily entertained in social media with all those crazy cat videos and funny memes. What's the point of writing novels these days?

In the life front, I found my career. Like the much beloved Lewis, I have a view of the Thames similar to the view in his London office. Okay, mine is in New London, Connecticut, but I can't deny the symmetry. You could even say we work in similar fields, security, if you recall.

The sweet little girls who inspired Brooke and Emily are now teenagers who no longer regard me as the high quality, laugh-out-loud source of entertainment they once adored. I tell you one dad joke and it's all over.

The incomparable woman who inspired the likes of Gwen and Samantha fought with me through some really thin years and is happily still tolerating yours truly.

Our chocolate Lab, the unsinkable Bailey, is now frail with more gray on her face. Believe it or not, she has been the rock for all of us through more thin than thick.

That leaves me.

The author in me.

The sole responsible party for the creation of seemingly endless pages of joy, grief, love, angst, and laughter (and entire forests worth of rejected manuscripts), completely befuddled to feel my fingers tap the keys turning thoughts into words once again.

Why? Why now?

I think I'd better avoid some Shakesperean demon's possessive persuasions and get it all out of the mind of Javier A. Robayo.

Making her list

My name is Javier and I've been a husband for 16 years.
Some of you may be married less or more time than I, but it's safe to assume that after the bliss of the first few years, that maddening, all-consuming combination of love and youthful lust, fades to the background and life takes over with its routines and mundane commitments. Right? With children in the mix, one or two pets, and full time employment, life really takes a big bite out of the time pie.

Suddenly, there's barely a chance for a peck on the lips on the way to a kid activity. Those long moments of gazing into each other's eyes are replaced with heavy-lidded glances and a murmured good night, grateful to finally call it a day.

I'm the husband that often wonders what happened to the girl that always held my hand, rested her head on my chest, talked to me endlessly. I wonder what happened that I don't even seem to make it to the long list of things she claims must be addressed.

I am ashamed to admit it's taken me quite a while to come to terms with the fact that as life goes on, everything changes.
At this point, some of you may shake your heads and utter a "No, duh!" After all it's just another product of life turning once fiery lovers into the quintessential husband and wife with the American average of two kids and 1.5 pets, locked tight to a routine in the pursuit of a life we still refer to as the American Dream.

So, where is this little diatribe going?

Well, to be fair, us boys develop a hell of a lot slower than girls so this is not surprise to the ladies, and it's as good an excuse as any, at least for me. But it's worth discussing it because out of all the resolutions I tend to make at the end of each year, this time, I'm simply willing to change and with enough work, move up to the same level where my soulmate has been, practically by herself for a long time.

What brought this about? Sheri and our oldest left to visit family in Pennsylvania while our youngest and I stayed behind.

At first I wondered what I would do with all the time I was going to have. I mean, pffft, how hard was this going to be? It's just Amber, our pup Bailey, and (shaking my head) Fifi and Coco, our two intrepid Guinea pigs. I'm off work until the 4th so really, I got this. No problem.


So this is what happened...

I thought my morning would be coffee and a news show, a two to three mile run, some floor exercises, a shower and on with the day.

Wrong. I scrambled to find something Amber would deem worthy of eating for breakfast, coaxed Bailey to go out and eat her breakfast, and make sure the Guineas had water and whatever their necessities were, as Amber taught me. That left me dishes and cups to wash, a kitchen to clean, sweep the rooms to keep Timothy hay from invading other parts of the house, get Amber's clothes from the previous day, make the bed, cajole my kid into taking a shower, dry and untangle her hair, find her something to wear. The morning was gone before I knew it.

In the midst of that whirlwind of activity, as I looked proudly at the spotless kitchen before doing some laundry, I realized that I was only keeping up because I'm off work.

My pretty wife works long days every day and when Saturday finally comes, she's fighting an uphill battle to do all the work I did times 5 days. The weekend slips away from us but thanks to her hard work, we'll have food in the fridge, clean clothes, a clean house with everything in its place. She comes to bed with a grateful smile to hit the pillow and fly into oblivion for a few hours of rest.

There's barely time for a kiss, let alone anything that remotely resembles a date.

Sunday is a short day as we both prepare for another week of work and the cycle goes on and on.

No wonder I don't make her list. Superheroes don't always have time for themselves after all.

I had a few days, just me and Amber, Bailey the dog, and the intrepid Guineas, and after working on the house, I didn't even make my own list.

I realized I've been selfish and deluded into believing that I am entitled to spend time with my wife, but with two kids, a dog and the intrepid Guneas, there's just not a lot time to ourselves.

Well, she's been telling me for a long time and I was too man to see it until I experienced it.
That brought up another point in my brain. There are two of us grown ups and we barely keep up with everything. How are single parents doing it?

Single parents, I salute you.

Husbands, we all tend to be that guy, like I've been. Make sure you put a lot of value into your mates' efforts. You may not find your name anywhere on her list of priorities day in and day out, but trust me, her hard work is a benefit not easily attained. Before choosing loneliness that may lead to bitterness and few other bad turns in the road, jump in and be a help, and accept that sometimes love is not a cuddle session or more, but working together to make life better for your kids, your dog, and maybe your intrepid Guineas.

To us men, nothing says I love you like a good, breath-robbing kiss.

To the ladies, few things convey more love and understanding than a simply "How can I help you, honey?" from us.

Don't let it take years to come to this realization. If you're already there, terrific, hats off to you. If you haven't gotten there, I hope you do.

A marriage doesn't last when you expect your mate to be there because they signed on the dotted line. It lasts when they want to be there with you because they're never left alone to do the work life requires of us.

May your new year be one of revelations, health, prosperity, triumph, and above all, love.

Know that it can be expressed in countless forms, and treasure the stolen moments that find just the two of you without the kids, the dog or even a pair of intrepid Guineas.

Javier Robayo            

Before the Christmas Tree...

My girls are now 10 and 7 so the Christmas magic is still alive and well in their hearts. At their age, I always made a point to sit before the decorated tree and think back on the year that was. This year is bound to hold several dog-eared pages from its chapters, and these particular pages hold numerous names, and what kind of writer would I be if I don't share this little message for them to know?
But allow me to share some backstory.
Sheri and I moved back to Connecticut after losing our home in Pennsylvania. For over two years, we struggled in ways that put our very lives to the test. I will admit, Connecticut felt like a horrible decision at times. The lows outnumbered the highs and we both reached our breaking point, leaving us in the most uncertain of times.
Somewhere in the fog that was my brain at the time, I found my way to Porter and Chester Institute with the intention of studying electronics only to follow in my father's footsteps as a Drafter.
Desperation is an incredible motivator. I took to learning CAD and managed to form a reputation as a dependable and talented designer. Not even halfway through the course, barely into the second quarter, I applied for a position as a piping drafter designer with General Dynamics Electric Boat. To my surprise, given my short time in school and my limited, but admittedly impressive drawings, I earned the chance to work for the premier submarine builders in the world.
In the last three months, all I wanted was to demonstrate what the job meant to me, and I've done all I can to become a strong team asset, and I want it known that I'm determined to go as far as I can within the company. The opportunity is endless!
And so, this year, I became a professional, which gained me the stability and prosperity I so desperately needed.
Every piece of my life's puzzle fell into place, and every question I ever had on why something was happening at the time it was, was finally answered. It all led to Clinton, CT, where I can finally rebuild the concept of HOME for us.
Life can be merciless at times, but given enough motivation, and a touch of luck, it can be amazing.
I couldn't have done it alone and this is why I needed to pour these words out.
First and foremost, my parents, my heroes, my rock. Thank you both for carrying me through most of the year. I don't know what I would've done without you. You helped me in every way possible and found a way to make me see light where I saw darkness.
Sheri Sue Robayo, you really are the strongest person I have EVER known and I can't tell you how proud I am to be your husband. It wasn't easy many times, but to see the smile on your face when I look at you is a reward no Heaven could ever bestow. My life doesn't happen without you, and I look forward to more triumphs in our lives. I love you more than you'll ever know.
Jay Hornyak, my brother, thank you for everything you did for me, for my family. I wish you the success you deserve with ACS. I'll miss driving the Red Diablo.
Kristen Diekmann, my oldest and best friend, and the one person who knows me better than I know myself. Thank you for always believing in me when I least believe in myself, and for always knowing how to straighten me out.
Paul and Sue Feher, you brought so much warmth to one of the coldest winters of my life. Thank you for your help and encouragement.
Brian McCarthy, I have no words to adequately express just what your friendship means to me. No friend could've done more for me when I most needed it, especially talking me into applying for a career at Electric Boat. Thank you for seeing talent in me, and for dragging me into believing in myself. That conversation went on to change my life and I will never, ever forget it.
Sarah and John May, Kathleen and Eric Bergman, Aman and Gurmeet Singh, "La Cuadrilla". You guys...let me just say that Clinton feels like HOME in large part thanks to you. Thank you for the laughter, for the cheer, for the support. Here's to making more memories together!
Paul and Olga Gebauer, you two always knew the right words to say when I needed them most. Here's to more Halloweens and amusing conversations! Thank you both for your genuine friendship and affection.
Lorena Bedoya, my sister, my very best friend. You were a huge inspiration for me to get my act together and find direction in school. You're tough, and you've come a long way yourself. I'm so glad I'm back to share our lives together with our kids, and for reinforcing what makes us Robayos. Love you, kiddo.
Fabio and Eileen Ciampini. Fabio, we've been friends since our days fresh off the boat, and no one has ever made me feel like family despite time, distance or circumstances. I'm so glad you're in my life. I'm so thankful for all the special occasions we've shared, especially Liana's baptism. Parenthood is a wonderful trip, and I'm so happy for you two.
To Doug and Lisa Tappager and their incredible kids, Sarah, Amanda, and Dougie, my Pennsylvania family. Lisa, thank you for that swift kick in the pants and for pulling me out of the hole. I truly believe this recovery, though long in coming, started that day at your house.
Scott and Stephanie McCreary, time and distance means nothing in a friendship like ours. May the years bring us together often.
My book buddies, Elise Stokes, Peggy, Monica LaPorta, and my editor Heather Jacquemin, thank you ladies for your gracious understanding and help, even from afar. You all gave me perspective and encouragement when I doubted my writing. I don't know if I will write again, but it's so good to know I don't have anything to prove to anyone after earning your admiration and praise for my craft.
So, this was my year.
I found I have a great family, terrific friends from before and today; I found my very best friend in the girl I love. Oh how I admire her as a mom and as a woman; I found that things indeed happen for a reason; I found I can be happy again; I found it is possible to rectify every mistake once you reach the shores of hope after enduring the crushing waves of self-recrimination.
And last, but not least, Merry Chirstmas and a Happy New Year full of Health and Prosperity to you and your families.

Javier